50 Ways to Lose Your Moulton

In Commemoration of the Moultoneer’s 50th Issue and Paul Simon’s song, ’50 Ways to Leave (lose) Your Lover (Moulton)’

  1. In your will, you leave it to the National Bicycle Museum.
  2. It’s abducted by aliens who think it’s a new life form.
  3. You’re hijacked by Cuban terrorists who insist on you pedalling them there.
  4. Bizarrely, your train service accepts the bike but refuses to let you on.
  5. A passing stranger offers you £10,000 for it.
  6. It’s replaced by a voucher, for a new Moulton of your choice, found inside a Christmas cracker.
  7. The man from Delmonte, he says, “It’s mine, and I’ve proved it in a court of law, hand it over.”
  8. You sell it to pay the rent.
  9. You park it outside the maternity hospital during the arrival of your first child and your spouse says, “We’ll need something larger now…”
  10. It falls into some road works on your way to work.
  11. It gets sucked into a transdimensional black hole on your way back from work.
  12. When parking in the garage overnight, the bike is lost forever behind 2 broken lawnmowers, a dysfunctional strimmer, 3 old tennis rackets, a brace of garden chairs and 78 cobwebs.
  13. It is eaten by Fatty McFatty at the lunchbreak.
  14. It is pocketed by Old Giant Bikkersnatcher when visiting Giant Land at EuroDisney.
  15. It is stolen whilst locked to some railings with chewing gum.
  16. It applies, successfully, for foreign asylum in Eastern Guatemala.
  17. It ‘dies’ and buries itself in the local cemetery.
  18. It dies and you cremate it in a fit of peak. If Irish, a pit of peat.
  19. It rides, obstinately, into the office shredder.
  20. A TV programme featuring Uri Geller reduces it to a pile of jelly.
  21. 17 Rugby players attempt a new Guinness Book of Records entry for riding it simultaneously. They, and the bike, fail.
  22. A policeman confiscates it as an illegal weapon.
  23. A car loving judge bans bikes in your borough.
  24. Parliament bans all bikes.
  25. The Supreme High Commander of All Interplanetary Life declares a moratorium on bikes, but yours has ‘gone missing’…
  26. You forget where you left it.
  27. Your bike elopes with the lawnmower from the garage to Scotland.
  28. Your ‘other half’ cooks it in a bizarre recipe for Bicycle Meringue Delight.
  29. It writes you a ‘Dear John’ letter, and you realise there’s nothing more to be said.
  30. You mistakenly tie it to the railings with chain letters instead of chains.
  31. It slips through a hole in your pocket like some loose change.
  32. It transmutates, during a full moon, into a werewolf.
  33. While answering a call of nature on an Irish cycling tour it is buried with the pots of gold under by ‘the little people’ at the end of the rainbow.
  34. Mistaking your bright yellow ATB for a crock of gold an Irishman makes off with it.
  35. You’re in Australia, it was being mailed to you (from England) and it got lost in the post before you even saw it.
  36. The receivers move in and repossess everything you own.
  37. The local gangsters move in and burgle everything you own.
  38. You ride, inadvertently, into an abattoir and your bike is taken for a hamburger along with everything else that is not meat.
  39. The postman swaps his bike for yours early one morning.
  40. The paper boy swaps his Tesco trolley for your bike late one Sunday morning.
  41. It spontaneously combusts.
  42. Someone throws it into the November 5th bonfire. (Foreign readers ask for an explanation…)
  43. A ‘rag and bone’ man offers your neighbour 50p for it.
  44. A bike shop offers you £5000 trade-in for it.
  45. Dr Alex Moulton realises your bike is of unique historic importance and offers you £5000 so that it can be displayed in the museum.
  46. You win the National Lottery and decide never to ride again: you need a chauffeured tandem and no Moulton is available.
  47. Aliens abduct you, not the bike, and you never see it again.
  48. You pop into the bank for 2 minutes and it’s gone when you return (this happened to me).
  49. You leave the garage door open one night and the bike is stolen (this also happened to me – luckily they took a cheap Raleigh bike and left the AM14!)
  50. Despite repeated warnings, your lover declares, “It’s the bike or me”, and the bike goes.
  51. OR, the above happens and you decide to keep the bike!